Being newly single and a workaholic, I joined Match.com...for a month. I didn't know too much about this weird online dating world, but I soon realized it's like online shopping ... for jeans. Some look awesome online, but then when you try them on, you're like, "What was I thinking? These look awful! Nothing like the online picture!"
Yet, other pairs appear as though they may not be the hottest jeans, but they're so gosh-darn comfy-casual looking that you can't not give them a try. So, you give them a go and realize they're just a little too casual ... a little too much like your brother or male best friend. Perfect for some other girl who wants that man-next-door vibe, but not your cup of tea. Then, you find that rare jem. After nights and nights out and countless online surfing. This rare jem pair is hot enough to wear for nights on the town, yet just casual enough for everyday. They're your perfect jean! So...freaken hard to find!
The date I'm about to describe was not my perfect jean.
The Courting
After 3 weeks on Match and no match, I was about to go off. I had only signed up for a month. Then, this one gentleman kept asking me out. He appeared quite attractive, active, smart, educated, and funny, so I agreed to go--after the 4th ask. I was just busy and sick of dating, but I figured if he's still asking, the man must seriously be interested, so I should go. I mean who knows?
We decide to meet at a tapas restaurant for dinner. I'm a few minutes late and frantically looking for parking. Ughhh...I hate parking. I call him and let him know that I'll be there in a few.
Ah-hahahahaha!!!! A spot! SWEETNESS!
I park and frazzedly scurry over to meet Mr. Match Man. From two blocks away, Mr. Match looks like Mr. Match plus 30 pounds. I decide that can't be him. I mean who seriously posts pictures of themselves that are super outdated???!!! You're going to meet the people in-person, so there's no point in disguising...at least that's what I thought.
Thirty Pounds Plus Binge Eating
As I approach the door of the restaurant with this larger man next to it, I look up inquisitively and stare for a quick second.Yup, he lied. It's him....dear lord, perhaps he's friends with the hibernator?
I say hello and start chatting away. Once I realize that not only is he 30 pounds more, but he's super shy and kind of awkward....I start to inwardly scream AWKWARD!!!! I don't know if I have enough talking material to make it through this date...uh...I hope he says something... at some point.
We're seated and begin the, "What do you do?" convo. And, you know, all the exhilarating 1st date stuff...The thing is, it's actually kind of exhilarating when you like the person and are interested. If you immediately know you're not into the person, it's exhausting. You're putting all this work into something you know is going nowhere. Now, I get why people need to be motivated and looking to move higher up in their jobs...
Anywho...as I chatter on, trying to unawkwardize the situation....I realize that I think I'm making him more uncomfortable. And it just keeps getting worse.
Finally (it's only been 10 minutes or so), we talk about food and what we want to eat. We're at a tapas place, so will be splitting items. As we're going through the menu, he looks eerily excited. I remark how good everything looks and how my girlfriend has eaten here and always dies after from all her supposed binge eating.
Mr. Match looks up as I say this and remarks, "I binge eat."
"Very funny. No, she's not really serious. She just loves the food here and always eats til she's super full."
Mr. Match: "Oh, I'm not making fun of her. I really do binge eat. Last night I made this huge vat of pasta and meatballs and ate like the whole-thing. It was supposed to last like all week, but my job has been so stressful lately. Yea, binge eating lol."
I'm sitting there, stone-faced. Holy shit. Mr. Match is serious. I stare and have no idea what to say. I always have an idea of what to say!
I utter, "Well, um ... what do you want to eat?" This is going to be a long dinner...
Needless to say, Mr. Match is not my match.
PS I now know where that extra 30 pounds came from and yes, the man can pack on the tapas...
Friday, July 22, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Confident or Delusional?
I went out with this one fella a few times. Very nice, attractive actually (but, I wasn't attracted), and very funny. Just a goofy guy. But, not my future hubby--sorry. When I know, I believe I'll know--or so I hear.
Regardless, this guy was someone who entertained me. I just had fun with him and he seemed very nice. But, after date 3--when I learned he's never had a girlfriend in his life--I decided to cut it off. I was not going to be his social experiment. I say no to guinea-pig girlfriend status. Plus, if he's 27 and has never had a girlfriend, something is surely wrong here.
The Texts
After date 3, Mr. Persistent, we shall call him, kept texting--random things. Quite hilarious actually. I'd tell you one, but my mind seems to be running blank at the moment. Then, after about a week, he requests to hangout all ... the ... time. I work like 70-80 hours a week, so that makes it quite easy to use, "Sorry, I have to work," as my bail-out reason. It's true, which I like. I hate lying. Plus, so much easier than, "Sorry, I'm just not that into you." So--I simply stick with my "excuse," in hopes they give up. I mean unless I really want to see the guy. Not in this case.
Finally, after day 6 of, "Let's haaaannnngggg like Monkeys!"
Um....did he really just say that? Perhaps that's why no girlfriend--ever.
I texted: "Look, I think you're great, but I'm looking to get married in a year [I had to freak this guy out...yes, I want to find a potential partner, but I'm not crazy and would never say this to a guy I went out with only a handful of times lol...unless I just wanted to cut the stage 5 clinger...in this case I did]. And you've never had a girlfriend. I think we're in different places. But, good luck!"
He responded: "I don't think so! We should still hang."
What????!!!! If I were a guy, I'd run for the hills!
.... I think he did because I didn't hear from him after. Plan achieved! Mental side note: to rid of future dudes, I will say I want to get married in 6 months...it'll likely cut things off faster.
Then, 5 months later--the texts reappeared. "I want to see you! I can't stop thinking of you....."
I didn't reply, but then the texts kept coming..daily....in forms of, "Let's hang out! Come on! Don't use your hotness as a weapon..." and on and on and on.
Is He for Real?
Then--the epitome text of is he for real ???!!!
Mr. Persistent texts, "I want to do the f'n thing with you."
What?!!! Now, I realize I've been out of the dating world for quite some time, and some have called me old-school, but I don't think that I'm that far off from the dating scene!!! Not normal...or even one-tenth appropriate!!! My goodness! I was seriously disturbed. Did this guy think he was coming off as confident? Because I happen to think he was clearly delusional.
Ughhhh... he now is in my phone as "delusional" and no, I'm not so delusional that I pick up or respond.
The dating continues...
Regardless, this guy was someone who entertained me. I just had fun with him and he seemed very nice. But, after date 3--when I learned he's never had a girlfriend in his life--I decided to cut it off. I was not going to be his social experiment. I say no to guinea-pig girlfriend status. Plus, if he's 27 and has never had a girlfriend, something is surely wrong here.
The Texts
After date 3, Mr. Persistent, we shall call him, kept texting--random things. Quite hilarious actually. I'd tell you one, but my mind seems to be running blank at the moment. Then, after about a week, he requests to hangout all ... the ... time. I work like 70-80 hours a week, so that makes it quite easy to use, "Sorry, I have to work," as my bail-out reason. It's true, which I like. I hate lying. Plus, so much easier than, "Sorry, I'm just not that into you." So--I simply stick with my "excuse," in hopes they give up. I mean unless I really want to see the guy. Not in this case.
Finally, after day 6 of, "Let's haaaannnngggg like Monkeys!"
Um....did he really just say that? Perhaps that's why no girlfriend--ever.
I texted: "Look, I think you're great, but I'm looking to get married in a year [I had to freak this guy out...yes, I want to find a potential partner, but I'm not crazy and would never say this to a guy I went out with only a handful of times lol...unless I just wanted to cut the stage 5 clinger...in this case I did]. And you've never had a girlfriend. I think we're in different places. But, good luck!"
He responded: "I don't think so! We should still hang."
What????!!!! If I were a guy, I'd run for the hills!
.... I think he did because I didn't hear from him after. Plan achieved! Mental side note: to rid of future dudes, I will say I want to get married in 6 months...it'll likely cut things off faster.
Then, 5 months later--the texts reappeared. "I want to see you! I can't stop thinking of you....."
I didn't reply, but then the texts kept coming..daily....in forms of, "Let's hang out! Come on! Don't use your hotness as a weapon..." and on and on and on.
Is He for Real?
Then--the epitome text of is he for real ???!!!
Mr. Persistent texts, "I want to do the f'n thing with you."
What?!!! Now, I realize I've been out of the dating world for quite some time, and some have called me old-school, but I don't think that I'm that far off from the dating scene!!! Not normal...or even one-tenth appropriate!!! My goodness! I was seriously disturbed. Did this guy think he was coming off as confident? Because I happen to think he was clearly delusional.
Ughhhh... he now is in my phone as "delusional" and no, I'm not so delusional that I pick up or respond.
The dating continues...
The Hibernator???!!!
"Ugghhh... I changed my mind. I don't want to go."
Sam, my best male friend, stares at me, "You have to go."
Now, before you get any ideas, I've known Sam, since I was in high school and have no feelings for him whatsoever and vice versa. Even though I strongly believe that it's VERY rare that men and women can just be friends, that's all Sam is. I know because the thought of sleeping with him seriously disturbs me. Sorry Sam.
"No, no I don't have to go! I'm sick of dating. What's your favorite TV show? What do you like to do on the weekends? Do you have any siblings? Bleh, bleh, bleh ... so boring ... so interview-like ... I'm done. Plus, I don't even really remember if he's cute."
"Where'd you meet this guy?"
"At the gym," I dryly reply.
Sam laughs, "You gotta go. You can't cancel on the guy in less than an hour. Have some wine."
Now, that's a freakin brilliant idea! Bring on the vino! I grab a glass and Sam starts pouring. His roommate, Mark, who's actually quite attractive (can I switch dates please?) is home, so I plop down next to him, we start sipping away, and slowly, yet oh-so-lovingly, my nerves start to dissipate.
Ok. I gotta woman up and give this guy a chance. Who knows? He could be the one.
After a couple glasses, I stand up--somewhat wobbly--but not too bad. I'm totally still all there. Just a tad buzzed. "Okay doky, I gotta go."
Mark: "What are you guys doing?"
Me: "Just meeting for dessert and a drink at the bistro down the street."
Mark nods and Sam announces that he's walking me there. It's a few blocks down.
We get there. I thank him for providing me with liquid courage, and I walk in to meet Aaron.
Purple Teeth
Aaron's smiling, and I feel good. Okay, this is going to be good! Thank god! He pulls out my chair (good call, gentleman), and I start chattering away about lord only knows what. He's starting at me kinda weird. At first, I think he's just really into me, but then his eyes narrow and he becomes more inquisitive and then ... "So--ya had to do quite a bit of drinking before you came here huh. Ha ha. You've got quite some purple teeth there."
Holy shit. My insides start to curdle. CURDLE!!! If I have purple teeth, I now have a neon red face to match them. I give a lady-like (or so I think) chuckle and reply, "Oh, no, just one glass with my girlfriend," ... curdle, curdle, curdle....OMG! God only knows where this is going from here.
After My Third Glass of Wine
Somewhere between, "What's your next career move?" and, "Are you close with your family?" came discussion of, "What do you like to do for physical activity?" I mean, I guess that's a normal question, we did meet at the gym. But, who actually uses the term "physical activity," unless you're in research or public health?
Anywho, I started explaining my obsession with Jillian Michaels' weight training DVDs, running, and yoga. A combo of stuff. He, then started to explain how he hibernates. Oh yes, that's right--how he hibernates during winter. Can I have a fourth glass please?
Apparently, every winter he packs on pounds and stays at home because he's "storing up" for the winter. He doesn't like to go out in the cold. "What's the point?" he says. But don't worry folks, once it becomes hot and sunny again, he starts using his "hibernating pounds" as fuel to power him through his intense summer workouts. Ummmm....is this for real? Did I only have three glasses of wine??? What in the world does he look like during winter then lol???!!! Thank god, it's summer.
Me: "I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused. Did you just compare yourself to a bear and say you hibernate during the wintertime?" I mean I thought this shit only happened on poorly written date shows.
Dude, I happen to be sharing a table with: "Ha ha ... I guess I did. Yea, you could say that. I mean, it's not like I gain 100 pounds or anything ... I just pack on some, like 20 ... 30 pounds."
WTF ... has this man ever been on a date????!!!!
Me: "Well, alrighty then, that's one for the books."
Him: "Ha ha. I guess you could put it that way."
The End
Twenty minutes later, at a not-as-awkward time, I called it a night and thanked the heavens above for my purple teeth coming into this date. NOT a future hubby.
Sam, my best male friend, stares at me, "You have to go."
Now, before you get any ideas, I've known Sam, since I was in high school and have no feelings for him whatsoever and vice versa. Even though I strongly believe that it's VERY rare that men and women can just be friends, that's all Sam is. I know because the thought of sleeping with him seriously disturbs me. Sorry Sam.
"No, no I don't have to go! I'm sick of dating. What's your favorite TV show? What do you like to do on the weekends? Do you have any siblings? Bleh, bleh, bleh ... so boring ... so interview-like ... I'm done. Plus, I don't even really remember if he's cute."
"Where'd you meet this guy?"
"At the gym," I dryly reply.
Sam laughs, "You gotta go. You can't cancel on the guy in less than an hour. Have some wine."
Now, that's a freakin brilliant idea! Bring on the vino! I grab a glass and Sam starts pouring. His roommate, Mark, who's actually quite attractive (can I switch dates please?) is home, so I plop down next to him, we start sipping away, and slowly, yet oh-so-lovingly, my nerves start to dissipate.
Ok. I gotta woman up and give this guy a chance. Who knows? He could be the one.
After a couple glasses, I stand up--somewhat wobbly--but not too bad. I'm totally still all there. Just a tad buzzed. "Okay doky, I gotta go."
Mark: "What are you guys doing?"
Me: "Just meeting for dessert and a drink at the bistro down the street."
Mark nods and Sam announces that he's walking me there. It's a few blocks down.
We get there. I thank him for providing me with liquid courage, and I walk in to meet Aaron.
Purple Teeth
Aaron's smiling, and I feel good. Okay, this is going to be good! Thank god! He pulls out my chair (good call, gentleman), and I start chattering away about lord only knows what. He's starting at me kinda weird. At first, I think he's just really into me, but then his eyes narrow and he becomes more inquisitive and then ... "So--ya had to do quite a bit of drinking before you came here huh. Ha ha. You've got quite some purple teeth there."
Holy shit. My insides start to curdle. CURDLE!!! If I have purple teeth, I now have a neon red face to match them. I give a lady-like (or so I think) chuckle and reply, "Oh, no, just one glass with my girlfriend," ... curdle, curdle, curdle....OMG! God only knows where this is going from here.
After My Third Glass of Wine
Somewhere between, "What's your next career move?" and, "Are you close with your family?" came discussion of, "What do you like to do for physical activity?" I mean, I guess that's a normal question, we did meet at the gym. But, who actually uses the term "physical activity," unless you're in research or public health?
Anywho, I started explaining my obsession with Jillian Michaels' weight training DVDs, running, and yoga. A combo of stuff. He, then started to explain how he hibernates. Oh yes, that's right--how he hibernates during winter. Can I have a fourth glass please?
Apparently, every winter he packs on pounds and stays at home because he's "storing up" for the winter. He doesn't like to go out in the cold. "What's the point?" he says. But don't worry folks, once it becomes hot and sunny again, he starts using his "hibernating pounds" as fuel to power him through his intense summer workouts. Ummmm....is this for real? Did I only have three glasses of wine??? What in the world does he look like during winter then lol???!!! Thank god, it's summer.
Me: "I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused. Did you just compare yourself to a bear and say you hibernate during the wintertime?" I mean I thought this shit only happened on poorly written date shows.
Dude, I happen to be sharing a table with: "Ha ha ... I guess I did. Yea, you could say that. I mean, it's not like I gain 100 pounds or anything ... I just pack on some, like 20 ... 30 pounds."
WTF ... has this man ever been on a date????!!!!
Me: "Well, alrighty then, that's one for the books."
Him: "Ha ha. I guess you could put it that way."
The End
Twenty minutes later, at a not-as-awkward time, I called it a night and thanked the heavens above for my purple teeth coming into this date. NOT a future hubby.
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