The Hibernator???!!!

"Ugghhh... I changed my mind. I don't want to go."

Sam, my best male friend, stares at me, "You have to go."

Now, before you get any ideas, I've known Sam, since I was in high school and have no feelings for him whatsoever and vice versa. Even though I strongly believe that it's VERY rare that men and women can just be friends, that's all Sam is. I know because the thought of sleeping with him seriously disturbs me. Sorry Sam.

"No, no I don't have to go! I'm sick of dating. What's your favorite TV show? What do you like to do on the weekends? Do you have any siblings? Bleh, bleh, bleh ... so boring ... so interview-like ... I'm done. Plus, I don't even really remember if he's cute."

"Where'd you meet this guy?"

"At the gym," I dryly reply.

Sam laughs, "You gotta go. You can't cancel on the guy in less than an hour. Have some wine."

Now, that's a freakin brilliant idea! Bring on the vino! I grab a glass and Sam starts pouring. His roommate, Mark, who's actually quite attractive (can I switch dates please?) is home, so I plop down next to him, we start sipping away, and slowly, yet oh-so-lovingly, my nerves start to dissipate.

Ok. I gotta woman up and give this guy a chance. Who knows? He could be the one.

After a couple glasses, I stand up--somewhat wobbly--but not too bad. I'm totally still all there. Just a tad buzzed. "Okay doky, I gotta go."

Mark: "What are you guys doing?"

Me: "Just meeting for dessert and a drink at the bistro down the street."

Mark nods and Sam announces that he's walking me there. It's a few blocks down.

We get there. I thank him for providing me with liquid courage, and I walk in to meet Aaron.

Purple Teeth
Aaron's smiling, and I feel good. Okay, this is going to be good! Thank god! He pulls out my chair (good call, gentleman), and I start chattering away about lord only knows what. He's starting at me kinda weird. At first, I think he's just really into me, but then his eyes narrow and he becomes more inquisitive and then ... "So--ya had to do quite a bit of drinking before you came here huh. Ha ha. You've got quite some purple teeth there."

Holy shit. My insides start to curdle. CURDLE!!! If I have purple teeth, I now have a neon red face to match them. I give a lady-like (or so I think) chuckle and reply, "Oh, no, just one glass with my girlfriend," ... curdle, curdle, curdle....OMG! God only knows where this is going from here.


After My Third Glass of Wine
Somewhere between, "What's your next career move?" and, "Are you close with your family?" came discussion of, "What do you like to do for physical activity?" I mean, I guess that's a normal question, we did meet at the gym. But, who actually uses the term "physical activity," unless you're in research or public health?

Anywho, I started explaining my obsession with Jillian Michaels' weight training DVDs, running, and yoga. A combo of stuff. He, then started to explain how he hibernates. Oh yes, that's right--how he hibernates during winter. Can I have a fourth glass please?

Apparently,  every winter he packs on pounds and stays at home because he's "storing up" for the winter. He doesn't like to go out in the cold. "What's the point?" he says. But don't worry folks, once it becomes hot and sunny again, he starts using his "hibernating pounds" as fuel to power him through his intense summer workouts. Ummmm....is this for real? Did I only have three glasses of wine??? What in the world does he look like during winter then lol???!!! Thank god, it's summer.

Me: "I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused. Did you just compare yourself to a bear and say you hibernate during the wintertime?" I mean I thought this shit only happened on poorly written date shows.

Dude, I happen to be sharing a table with: "Ha ha ... I guess I did. Yea, you could say that. I mean, it's not like I gain 100 pounds or anything ... I just pack on some, like 20 ... 30 pounds."

WTF ... has this man ever been on a date????!!!!

Me: "Well, alrighty then, that's one for the books."

Him: "Ha ha. I guess you could put it that way."

The End
Twenty minutes later, at a not-as-awkward time, I called it a night and thanked the heavens above for my purple teeth coming into this date. NOT a future hubby.